Sonnettics

I never died, but I have been too near
to death, but death is not a thing I fear
I fear a life devoid of love and light
It’s why I dream of you, dear, in the night
Your light provides a guide to bring me back
when I am lost in nights of dakest black
I saw you standing once, beneath the moon
I walked away; I know I left too soon.
You shined upon the porch; I’m sure you cried.
I should have let your beauty be my guide
I sleep, I close my eyes, I dream of you
Your light protects my spirit, we are two
And yet, we two are one; I’ve heard it said
You love me still, so how could I be dead?

It seems unreal to think that I’ve been stripped
of memories, events, some names, and loves
My brain was injured, in my skull it slipped
My neurons lost their reference “withs” and “ofs”
There’s noone on this earth who can attend
to mislocated neurons, set them right
and so at times I feel I’m left to fend
against the unmarred brains I have to fight
or argue, they don’t like it when I yell
but I don’t like it when they touch, and so
“Don’t touch me, please,” I use and often tell
the toucher that my tolerance is through
I tell them that I wore a green beret,
whose instinct comes against my chosen way.

I hate some things I’ve done; I almost died
But you should know for every one I’ve cried
I hate that I have hurt your tender heart
But you should know your love conveyed the part
beyond the medicine I took by pill
Your love was in my heart; it’s in there still
forgive me for the darkness I displayed
and holding back what should have been conveyed
what should have been conveyed by me to you
was gratitude and love, contrite and true
I have them still and never will I cease
displaying them, like you, they bring me peace
And if there’s ever more that you should need
I’ll lose myself in finishing the deed.

I died in April, ghosts were near my bed
They sounded so sincere, but they were dead
Too many ghosts said love would bring me back
Seduction was their terror, painted black
I rose one day, the ghosts were all afraid
I saw some disappear and yet some stayed
I started to believe that love was real
it lingered in the constant pain I’d feel.
I tried to live their love, but got it wrong
I tried to give my feelings like a song
But we were out of tune and so they flew
Then there was only me and then I knew
I wanted love from beauty, not from fear
I’ll gather beauty; ghosts will disappear.

Too late to sleep I search your words for love
I found one word from you to me and cried
Although my tears are too far up above
The word and everything the word implied
I’ll dissipate in love, forget my tears
They went to sleep like angels in my head
The angels in my head are sullen fears
that watch me dissipate when I am dead
When I am dead asleep I’ll eat my dreams
for sustenance that mingles with the dark
my dreams are filled with terror, filled with screams
and yet they feed my hunger with their mark
The mark of dreams has come too late for sleep
But tears and words from you are mine to keep.

I’m glad you got the treats I sent tou you
I hope you like them all, what you can do
If you don’t like the ones all colored black
Just put them in a box and send them back!
Or ask your friends if any of them like
black licorice. I had a friend named Mike
who loved to eat black licorice all day
Feel free to give the black ones all away!
Then tell me what your favorites are so I
can get them for you both next time I buy
some candy and some treats for you to share.
I’ll send some more at Christmas. They’ll be there!
I like it when you’re happy, when you’re sweet.
So I’ll be sure to send a Christmas treat!

I never thought my life would go this way
I never thought a thing like this was life
I watched all sense and reason slip away
It’s like my brain was cut, without a knife
I can’t remember how I nearly died
But I remember waking in a bed
a tube was in my stomach and I cried
at everything my mom or sister said
They told the truth, as far as I could tell
I had new scars in places I had not
at times I felt a pain that hurt like hell
at times I thought of nothing, all forgot
My memory is still a fractured thing
I never knew my brain had this to bring.

Convince my heart it needs your love my love
convince my heart that love is something real
Awake my heart, my heart is dreaming of
your touch; my heart is longing love to feel
My heart has need of beauty; I believe
your beauty is the one my heart requires
Your beauty is an honor to receive
Your beauty warms my heart and it inspires
My poetry, my words, my simple rhyme
I write because I must when you are you
I find myself asleep at every time
I’m absent from your side and from your view
Awake my heart, your lover and your man
I want to write your poem and our plan.

I fight the tears that medicine would stop
I feel no hope, no love, my feelings drop
I lost my life, I lost my love, my hope
I hate the words that tell me I can cope
I feel the tears that want to mark my face
I hate the tears; I wish that I could place
My knowledge of my feelings on a hill
and let them coast away to where they will
The tears would be their pilot and their guide
The feelings were not with me on the ride
in April, when I lost my life, my hope
so now they coat the words that try to cope
with tears that fight to mark my heart, my face
I wish that love was here in an embrace.

for Tammy @ the QFC Coffee Bar in Enumclaw, Washington

I sit and drink my coffee in her booth
I sit to watch her beauty, that’s the truth
She warned me that the coffee might be cold
But I have found the warmth and I am sold
She doesn’t see me watch her take a sip
Her cup contains the smallest coffee drip
Her mouth is full; she wrinkles up her nose
The coffee must be warm then, I suppose
I watch her do the same at every pot
and wonder if the coffee all is hot
In every taste she takes I laugh inside
in awe of what must be her “coffee pride”
I see her Name is Tammy, and I thank
her tasting of the coffee in each tank.