One More Soliloquy Sonnet

Shakespeare likes my last one, so I am going to try and please The Bard once more!

Act 2 Scene 2: What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks? (Spoken by Romeo)

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? 
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. 
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, 
Who is already sick and pale with grief, 
That thou her maid art far more fair than she: 
Be not her maid, since she is envious; 
Her vestal livery is but sick and green 
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off. 
It is my lady, O, it is my love! 
O, that she knew she were! 
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that? 
Her eye discourses; I will answer it. 
I am too bold, ’tis not to me she speaks: 
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, 
Having some business, do entreat her eyes 
To twinkle in their spheres till they return. 
What if her eyes were there, they in her head? 
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, 
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven 
Would through the airy region stream so bright 
That birds would sing and think it were not night. 
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! 
O, that I were a glove upon that hand, 
That I might touch that cheek!

The Bard was merciless with this one!
So much is already written in blank verse (unrhymed iambic pentameter)!
Here’s my attempt. (Go easy on me, Bill!)

For Juliet

If you were dark, my heart would feel the same
The sun and moon are nothing like your skin
Your vestal livery precludes the flame
But soft, what light of love is held within?
There’s warmth within the light of sun and stars
Your eyes are thus: the windows of your soul
That birds would sing in over-simple bars
And twilight would concede to their control
And touching you, unchecked, would burn my hand
Although I only want to touch your cheek
The song of birds obeys your light’s command
Through yonder window, metaphors will speak
Extended far beyond the pain we feel
Their songs become my words, and yes, they’re real!

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